Ner. It's gonna be another sleepless night for me. Tomorrow. . . Already I feel a little more relaxed. Things may never be the same for me again but. . . what I'm about to do. . . needs to be done. I hope the people involved. . . get through it ok. . . and if they don't. . . I'm sorry. I've done all I can.

Ruki and Ben gave me a lot to think about tonight. . . And some things Ben said to me surprised me. . . Like the fact that he still considers me a friend. . . We don't talk much at all and I dunno half of what's going on with him. . . but. . . hm. . . And then him saying that I was fun and caring. . . Heh I haven't felt fun or caring since the whole thing with the Englander began but. . . I want to tell a story. A side of me no one knows.

Back when Ray and I broke up. . . we weren't close. Not like we were when we were together. . . But. . . the guy asked me straight out. . . if I wanted to just be friends or resume with our relationship. . . and I asked if we could just be friends. . . and he agreed. . . but after that, he acted so depressed. . . it drug me down. . . and I sat there after I disconnected from the Internet. . . and I cried. . . hard. . . because one decision I made hurt someone so bad. . . and honestly I didn't care much for him back then. . . but I still cried. . . because I hurt him. . .

Now my question is. . . what am I going to do when I do the same thing to a person I truly, honestly care 100% for? I'm gonna need Nejo. . . a lot. . . prolly.

But. . . EVERYONE has noticed I'm just not happy. . . Not like I was. . . Charlotte mentioned it. . . Lily mentioned it. . . And Ruki mentioned it. . . I just want. . . myself back. I know I can't be the kid I was. . . even last December. . . but I do want some piece of that person back. I want to be the happy carefree Joou who helps everyone and doesn't spend her days stressing out over her broken family or screwed up relationships. . . I even want to get back to chatting daily with Jenny! I'll message her as soon as things are better for me. . .